Perhaps it’s because I spent the past two months breathing, sleeping, and dreaming the brilliantly satirical, hysterical, Tony-award winning musical Urinetown. Or perhaps it’s because I drink enough coffee daily to drown a horse. Whatever the reason, when I sat down to write this week’s update, my thoughts immediately turned to the topic of restrooms. Specifically, European restrooms. Even more specifically, pay toilets.
Oh, yes, you’ve heard of them. It’s hard not to. They’re a worldwide rage, an everyone’s-doing-it phenomenon, like Coach purses or skinny jeans tucked into boots (only not quite as glamorous). They’re the you’ll-never-believe-it groans spewed from just-returned-from-abroad American travelers. They’re the don’t-merit-their-own-bullet-point in your handy-dandy travel guide that quickly morphs into a now-I’m-stuck-with-a-distended-bladder-and-no-spare-change of many a traveler’s trip.
Not only are they ubiquitous, they’re discombobulating. What traveler hasn’t been momentarily intimidated before the little vest-wearing toilet maven, seated primly behind her little plate of change? Who glares at you while you dig through your pockets to find the correct fee? And then hands you a fistful of toilet paper after you’ve handed over your cash?
It seems so very foreign to charge for something as natural as using the restroom. Then again, you pay to eat, which is yet another natural function. Some would argue that, in principle, it’s the same mentality. Which is a logic I don’t agree with, even though water costs a truckload more in Europe than it does in the States. Whatever the logic, the fact remains: while in Europe, you will more than likely have to pay to pee.
Yes, there are free toilets—if you can find them. They’re shy things, hiding in the oddest of places, and never, ever, advertising themselves or flaunting their wares. But as one of the characters in Urinetown pontificates, “You come here and pay the fee/for the privilege to pee.” Sadly, you get what you pay for in the world of European restrooms. Your money goes to not only pay for the water you use, but also for the cost of sanitizer, soap, paper towels, and toilet paper. Items that are rarely found in free toilets, believe you me.
Nevertheless, it is highly possible that, while traveling, you will find yourself in a situation with a full bladder, no change, and no free toilets in sight. What then are you to do?
As we like to say in my family, “There are no certainties in life except death and taxes … and even death can be negotiated.” So should you find yourself in a leg-crossing, lip-gnawing situation, here are a few tactics to assist you.
Ways to Pee for Free
1. Duck out while the toilet mistress isn’t looking.
This only works in restrooms where you pay after the fact, and it works pretty well—it’s not like anyone’s going to chase you down if you don’t throw the requisite amount into the cash tray. And there’s only a momentary pang of guilt.
2. Go into a cafe and buy something.
Although it ends up costing you more than the restroom fee, you’ll feel a vindictive thrill because you didn’t have to pay EXTRA. No, you just paid 1,5 Euro for a tiny cup of coffee that will ensure you have to pee again in twenty minutes. Don’t you feel smart now!
3. Use toilets in the museums and attractions you’re visiting.
Which is always a smart idea. Sometimes you have to pay there, too, which always irked me, but at least they’re extremely clean.
4. Run into a restaurant with a panicked look on your face and ask for the restroom.
My friend actually did this. It worked. Note that it will probably work best if you can ask in the native language of whatever country you’re visiting (so you might want to add that to your list of foreign phrases to learn).
5. Go in a restaurant, make a beeline for the restroom, and, when yelled at, shrug your shoulders and act like an ugly tourist.
Or act completely dumb, which is a skill I’m all too good at. I’m not very proud of the fact that I’ve used this tactic, but it does work. But don’t use it too often if you’re easily embarrassed.
6. Beg.
With the right quaver in your voice and the right desperate gleam in your eyes, you can talk your way into (or out of) just about anything. So it only goes to assume that you could beg your way into a stall as a last possible resort. If all else fails, try crying. I’m fairly certain it’d be wildly successful.
Like pickpocketing or staying in a not-so-fabulous hostel, paying to pee isn’t very humorous when you’re going through it. But it can make for a very funny story after the fact. So have no fear—and remember that it’s always best keep some spare change in a side pocket, just in case.
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